Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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