More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
