The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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