Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
