My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
