I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
