Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
