guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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