My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
