You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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