You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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