Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
