come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Just invented taco cereal.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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