Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
