i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
