mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
