Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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