I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This gyro tastes like lonliness
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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