You just made me feel so damn special
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
