Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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