plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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