Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
