1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize