My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
