Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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