By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
