When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
