I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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