My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Are my feet made of real feet?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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