I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
