I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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