Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
