Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
