M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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