...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
as a side note pls kill me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
