i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
zippers are such a cool invention
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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