yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
