I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
