Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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