the condom got lost in my hair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
