i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
