TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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