I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
