I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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