He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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