I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
