My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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