I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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