Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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