I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
