dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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