I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
