She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
