your room smells of hookers.
And success
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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