Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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