I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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