Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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