when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
