I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
