Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
