We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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