Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
