Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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